You do such a wonderful job reflecting on and capturing the tensions, paradoxes, and waves of life. By that I mean your own life, but also the universal experiences of life. Thank you!
My standout experience: I gave birth to my second daughter in December 2024, so I spent 2025 getting to know her but also getting to know myself as a mother of two. I spent the year largely feeling scattered and having less time to myself than ever. But in spite of those things, I feel deeply that this past year has made me more "myself" than ever. I'm finally shedding some of my youthful self-consciousness and enjoying being a woman in my own right. Remaining dedicated to reading for pleasure has been one key to that, I think. Speaking of which - re-reading Homing Instincts is on my list!
Thank you so much, Caitlin! And congratulations on what sounds like a big year. I love the thought of "enjoying being a woman in my own right" and would love to do a whole series about what that looks like for women...such a journey. I remember feeling scattered and a bit all over the place when Elena was little but also finding so much meaning in that – like if you can just stay with it and not rush through it you learn so much (I was not always very good at this, ha). Happy New Year!
Just stumbled upon your post and kismet! Loved & identified greatly with so many things (mom, Dillard, univ Pittsburgh, MFA..) that I have to ask (because I’ve been toying with the idea and your post makes me think you’d have great insight & advice) - what resources might you recommend to begin a meditation practice? Thank you & excited to dig in to more of your work!
Hi Natalie! Thanks so much for the comment. I took an MBSR (Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction) course from UMass and It was incredible. It does cost money, but for me that was the only way to guarantee I'd have to start meditating, ha. It's eight weeks and so well done and really launched my meditation journey. I use the 10% Happier app a lot and really love the guided meditations on there. I'd highly, highly recommend starting with a course, though, because it's just so huge in getting you started and orienting you. Happy to share more info via email if you want the specifics on the one I took! Welcome!
On your post, I have questions! Maybe I missed earlier posts about the Portugal thing you'd applied for? Tell us more??? The moment of sobbing to the point of nearly vomiting was the moment you learned you had not been awarded the fellowship? Is it a thing you can apply for each year? What fellowship is it? Will you continue with learning Portuguese? And doing the research for the project you'd have done there if you'd been chosen? I hope you don't dump the whole idea just because you didn't get that one fellowship. Persist, baby. Hope 2026 is rich and sweet and good.
The fellowship was a Fulbright – canceled after a two-month long "DEI" review thanks to our current administration. It was really a shock and part of a series of disappointments that were quite intense. Am still trying to figure out how to make that particular project work! Thanks for the encouragement!
Thanks, Sarah. I always appreciate your candor--willingness to share your human foibles. 2025 for me reeks of you know who--the A-hole-in-chief whose goal it seems is to ruin everything we cherish. It is hard to separate this year from his inauguration in January, because it colors everything that followed. It was also a year of reminders I'm not as young as I think. One bad fall on a beautiful hike injured my ribs on the right side. 7 weeks of pain management till they mostly healed, but there's always a twinge there, and a sensitivity, and I have to move more carefully. Occasional bouts of vertigo; two positive Cologuard tests; one polyp-rich colonoscopy; a growing disdain for medical stuff--if we are to follow medical advice, we'd find ourselves in a doctor's office every two weeks for something or other. Consult this. Follow-up that. We have to make our own rules on this stuff--ones that we can live with. We're not gonna live forever. We might as well fill our days with what we enjoy. On the wonderful side of 2025 is the sweetest homelife, continuing, and the addition of joy brought by Maisie Lou, who has now been with us for 13 1/2 months. She's a recipe for happiness/joy/love every single day and we are lucky to have her. BOOKS! So many great books read and shared. TRAVEL! Explored the Oregon coast for the first time, with best childhood friend. So many moments of simple pleasure: CONTENTMENT.
Thanks so much for this, Melanie. So glad you've found happiness in Maisie Lou, and the daily pleasures of books, and in continued travel. And yes – we have to find our own rules, which seems to get trickier and tricker with the glut of "information" we're all bombarded with all the time! I can't even pay attention honestly to the news, though I know that's problematic – every time I do it's real panic, because I feel extremely precarious. I have to find refuge in the small, local, the daily effort.
The single event of 2025 that irrevocably changed me was the death of my brother (and Jon’s). Michael died one day short of his sixty-ninth birthday. Watching his decline from an athletic, highly intelligent man to a figure who couldn’t walk,talk, or grasp any but the most simple prompts was in fact watching the essential teachings of Buddhism unfolding in front of me in condensed time. Here is an excerpt from my formally regular to now infrequent Substack.
“But still, I miss Michael in the everyday ways I experienced him: his smile and laughter, how he became so animated when describing the things he enjoyed such as his Saab, his Porsche, and the Smart Car, a favorite TV show, the World Café music trips he and Debbie took to countries such as Iceland and France, a twenty-four hour bicycle race, and of course, skiing. I’ll also miss how his demeanor became so intent when he got into a task, his drive for novelty, his love of metrics, his selective perfectionism, the tenderness he showed with my children, and his penchant for V-8 juice. I admire him for the independent road he took into life, so different than mine. I felt for the pain that I know he sometimes went through in life.”
Thanks so much for sharing this, Kevin, and I'm so sorry for your loss. You wrote a beautiful tribute to your brother (I love the bit about the V-8 in particular). Yesterday I did a group meditation online that started with a few statements along the lines of, "My body will age and die. I will lose everyone I love." It seemed so morbid and dark but also it was meant to be clarifying, like, how am I living? How am I showing up? In the face of these truths, what am I actually DOING in the day to day? Thank you for being here and Happy New Year.
Contemplating death is a good practice. Medieval philosophers often kept human skulls on their desks to remind them of the end we all face. I was introduced to the idea as a young man when reading Carlos Castaneda. His teacher Don Juan told him that Death lingered just over his left shoulder, and he should use it as an advisor. As a young man that was a bit abstract, but now it's very real. At some point i was woken up to the fact that I didn't have lots of time. The trip ahead was shorter than the one that brought me here.
I enjoy being here and getting a woman's perspective on the struggle of life shared with humility and grace, and through fine writing.
You do such a wonderful job reflecting on and capturing the tensions, paradoxes, and waves of life. By that I mean your own life, but also the universal experiences of life. Thank you!
My standout experience: I gave birth to my second daughter in December 2024, so I spent 2025 getting to know her but also getting to know myself as a mother of two. I spent the year largely feeling scattered and having less time to myself than ever. But in spite of those things, I feel deeply that this past year has made me more "myself" than ever. I'm finally shedding some of my youthful self-consciousness and enjoying being a woman in my own right. Remaining dedicated to reading for pleasure has been one key to that, I think. Speaking of which - re-reading Homing Instincts is on my list!
Thank you so much, Caitlin! And congratulations on what sounds like a big year. I love the thought of "enjoying being a woman in my own right" and would love to do a whole series about what that looks like for women...such a journey. I remember feeling scattered and a bit all over the place when Elena was little but also finding so much meaning in that – like if you can just stay with it and not rush through it you learn so much (I was not always very good at this, ha). Happy New Year!
Just stumbled upon your post and kismet! Loved & identified greatly with so many things (mom, Dillard, univ Pittsburgh, MFA..) that I have to ask (because I’ve been toying with the idea and your post makes me think you’d have great insight & advice) - what resources might you recommend to begin a meditation practice? Thank you & excited to dig in to more of your work!
Hi Natalie! Thanks so much for the comment. I took an MBSR (Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction) course from UMass and It was incredible. It does cost money, but for me that was the only way to guarantee I'd have to start meditating, ha. It's eight weeks and so well done and really launched my meditation journey. I use the 10% Happier app a lot and really love the guided meditations on there. I'd highly, highly recommend starting with a course, though, because it's just so huge in getting you started and orienting you. Happy to share more info via email if you want the specifics on the one I took! Welcome!
Oh wow, pretty hard to follow that post Sarah!
I think I have realised that, most of the time, other people really aren't thinking about me, and that this is scary, motivating and also freeing.
I think you can afford to go on hoping. And writing. I feel sure you'll find a way if you haven't already.
On your post, I have questions! Maybe I missed earlier posts about the Portugal thing you'd applied for? Tell us more??? The moment of sobbing to the point of nearly vomiting was the moment you learned you had not been awarded the fellowship? Is it a thing you can apply for each year? What fellowship is it? Will you continue with learning Portuguese? And doing the research for the project you'd have done there if you'd been chosen? I hope you don't dump the whole idea just because you didn't get that one fellowship. Persist, baby. Hope 2026 is rich and sweet and good.
The fellowship was a Fulbright – canceled after a two-month long "DEI" review thanks to our current administration. It was really a shock and part of a series of disappointments that were quite intense. Am still trying to figure out how to make that particular project work! Thanks for the encouragement!
Thanks, Sarah. I always appreciate your candor--willingness to share your human foibles. 2025 for me reeks of you know who--the A-hole-in-chief whose goal it seems is to ruin everything we cherish. It is hard to separate this year from his inauguration in January, because it colors everything that followed. It was also a year of reminders I'm not as young as I think. One bad fall on a beautiful hike injured my ribs on the right side. 7 weeks of pain management till they mostly healed, but there's always a twinge there, and a sensitivity, and I have to move more carefully. Occasional bouts of vertigo; two positive Cologuard tests; one polyp-rich colonoscopy; a growing disdain for medical stuff--if we are to follow medical advice, we'd find ourselves in a doctor's office every two weeks for something or other. Consult this. Follow-up that. We have to make our own rules on this stuff--ones that we can live with. We're not gonna live forever. We might as well fill our days with what we enjoy. On the wonderful side of 2025 is the sweetest homelife, continuing, and the addition of joy brought by Maisie Lou, who has now been with us for 13 1/2 months. She's a recipe for happiness/joy/love every single day and we are lucky to have her. BOOKS! So many great books read and shared. TRAVEL! Explored the Oregon coast for the first time, with best childhood friend. So many moments of simple pleasure: CONTENTMENT.
Thanks so much for this, Melanie. So glad you've found happiness in Maisie Lou, and the daily pleasures of books, and in continued travel. And yes – we have to find our own rules, which seems to get trickier and tricker with the glut of "information" we're all bombarded with all the time! I can't even pay attention honestly to the news, though I know that's problematic – every time I do it's real panic, because I feel extremely precarious. I have to find refuge in the small, local, the daily effort.
The single event of 2025 that irrevocably changed me was the death of my brother (and Jon’s). Michael died one day short of his sixty-ninth birthday. Watching his decline from an athletic, highly intelligent man to a figure who couldn’t walk,talk, or grasp any but the most simple prompts was in fact watching the essential teachings of Buddhism unfolding in front of me in condensed time. Here is an excerpt from my formally regular to now infrequent Substack.
“But still, I miss Michael in the everyday ways I experienced him: his smile and laughter, how he became so animated when describing the things he enjoyed such as his Saab, his Porsche, and the Smart Car, a favorite TV show, the World Café music trips he and Debbie took to countries such as Iceland and France, a twenty-four hour bicycle race, and of course, skiing. I’ll also miss how his demeanor became so intent when he got into a task, his drive for novelty, his love of metrics, his selective perfectionism, the tenderness he showed with my children, and his penchant for V-8 juice. I admire him for the independent road he took into life, so different than mine. I felt for the pain that I know he sometimes went through in life.”
Thanks so much for sharing this, Kevin, and I'm so sorry for your loss. You wrote a beautiful tribute to your brother (I love the bit about the V-8 in particular). Yesterday I did a group meditation online that started with a few statements along the lines of, "My body will age and die. I will lose everyone I love." It seemed so morbid and dark but also it was meant to be clarifying, like, how am I living? How am I showing up? In the face of these truths, what am I actually DOING in the day to day? Thank you for being here and Happy New Year.
Contemplating death is a good practice. Medieval philosophers often kept human skulls on their desks to remind them of the end we all face. I was introduced to the idea as a young man when reading Carlos Castaneda. His teacher Don Juan told him that Death lingered just over his left shoulder, and he should use it as an advisor. As a young man that was a bit abstract, but now it's very real. At some point i was woken up to the fact that I didn't have lots of time. The trip ahead was shorter than the one that brought me here.
I enjoy being here and getting a woman's perspective on the struggle of life shared with humility and grace, and through fine writing.
Thanks for these lovely words, Kevin.